The Chosen Sorrow
by Nicky T
Summary: (Finished) Shonen-ai. Aya is kidnapped by Schwarz, but what's this? Schuldich is being -nice- to him??
1. Default Chapter

*The Chosen Sorrow*

  
  
  
  
  
  


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"I know just what it feels like

to have a voice in the back of my head.

It's like a face that I hold inside

A face that awakes when I close my eyes."

  
  


-Papercut by Linkin Park

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-Chapter One-

  
  
  
  
  
  


"Aya?!!"

  
  


Omi? Why does he sound so upset? I can hear him calling me, his voice cracking with fear and pain. He's screaming my name over and over. I wish he'd stop. My head aches so much. I try to move, but my body won't respond. I should be afraid, but I'm not. Just numb. So very numb.

  
  


//It's a relief from the pain, isn't it kitten?//

  
  


What? Yes... yes it is. The voice sounds strange, but it must have been my own thoughts. How else could it be in my head. I sigh and try to force my eyes open. They don't seem to want to respond, but after some time they finally squint part way open so I can at least see the dark grey roof over me. 

  
  


It looks so cold. I -feel- cold. Where am I? What happened? I can't seem to focus on anything. 

  
  


"AYA!!!!!"

  
  


I flinch. He sounds so afraid. I hate it when he sounds that upset. People like Omi shouldn't be upset. They should be happy. Why isn't he happy? Did Ken upset him? Or did I? It's my name he's screaming. Maybe he's angry at me... but what did I do? I can't seem to remember.

  
  


//Just relax. Your memories will return shortly.//

  
  


Hmm?? Oh.. yeah. I guess they will. I frown a little. My mental voice sounds so strange. I don't remember it ever being so... seductive.

  
  


I hear something, someone?, laugh. The laugh echoes in my brain and makes me flinch in pain. What's going on? I don't understand.

  
  


"Seductive, eh, kitten?" A voice whispers, so close that as the person speaks their breath touches my ear.

  
  


I turn my head. 

  
  


Schuldich.

  
  


He's kneeling beside me. He looks odd. His hair mussed, with pieces of dust and dirt in it. His face is muddy, and there is blood under his eye. He looks like he's just fallen through a building, or maybe off one? He smirks at me, and I don't feel afraid. Funny. Normally when I see him I either feel fear, or anger. This time, I feel nothing. Just a comforting numbness.

  
  


The voice inside my head. It was him, not me. That would explain why it sounded so odd. Schuldich moves, I'm not sure what he's doing until an arm slides under my back and another beneath my knees. What is he doing? Picking me up? Why?

  
  


He seems to be unsteady as he stands with me in his arms. He wavers, a pained expression crossing his features. I try to move, to reach up and brush my fingers over his brow, but my body won't obey my commands. Why can't I move? "Don't worry kitten, you'll be able to move later." I stare at him with surprise, then remember that he can hear my thoughts.

  
  


"Why.. can't I..?" My voice doesn't seem to want to work.

  
  


He looks down at me, with a fond smile? Strange, I never imagined him as being gentle. But the way he's holding me, and his eyes as he looks at me... so soft. So kind. "A result of Nagi's power. I'm afraid he used a bit too much force on you. But he had no choice." //You've got a strong mind, kitten.//

  
  


Not strong enough if he managed to somehow make me this immobile. 

  
  


//Stronger than most norms.//

  
  


Norms? I frown a little. /Obviously I'm not very strong at all, you're in my head aren't you?/ I know he'll hear me, so I think it, rather than try to say it.

  
  


He smiles, "I'm a special case." 

  
  


How? I want to ask, but either he doesn't hear the thought, or he chooses to ignore it. He starts to move, carrying me, but where? I try to look around, but everything is dark and grey. There seems to be no real reason to the structure around us. It almost looks like we're in the middle of a fallen building. Or at least a partly fallen building.

  
  


"AYA! AYA!!!"

  
  


Omi! I forgot about Omi. "Where are they?"

  
  


"They're safely outside already." Schuldich responds quietly, "I imagine they think you've been crushed... and we might have been. Nagi used the last of his power to hold this area up so that we could get out."

  
  


How could such a small boy do so much? His power is holding me immobile, his power is holding this building up long enough for Schuldich and myself to escape. I can't fathom it. I try to imagine so much power being in the small body of Schwarz's prodigy, but the mental image just doesn't work.

  
  


I hear Schuldich chuckling again, I glance at his face, wondering what's so funny. "Nagi's power is something no one can understand. Not even me." He didn't look down as he spoke. Just kept walking. He looks strained, as if he's using all his concentration to keep moving.

  
  


I've seen that expression before. On Ken when he's using the last of his strength to walk up to his room. Or Yohji when he's thinking about Asuka. They both get that expression. That bone-wearied, wish-I-was-dead expression. 

  
  


//I've come to think of it as the accumulation of all his grief, and anger at this world. He's suffered so much, and bottled it up. Until it became this living thing he could control and manipulate.//

  
  


The words are unsettling. Especially when I realize he's talking about Nagi's power. I can't begin to imagine... how could someone suffer so much that their very emotions became a living thing? Sometimes I feel as if my anger and pain could control me, but I've never felt that it could become...

  
  


//A power to control and manipulate others with?// Schuldich shifts, holding me closer to his chest. I should be upset, but his warmth is strangely comforting. 

  
  


Why do I need to be comforted? I'm not sure. I'm not afraid, in pain, or angry. I'm just numb. Beautifully, blissfully numb.

  
  


"Stop thinking so loud." Schuldich murmurs, sounding almost amused, "You're distracting me."

  
  


"From walking?" Does it take that much thought to walk?

  
  


"Yes."

  
  


I fall silent. Trying to keep my thoughts quiet... it's strangely not as hard as I thought it would be.

  
  
  
  
  
  


~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~

  
  
  
  
  
  


He grows silent. His thoughts don't filter through anymore. Sometimes he amazes me. This strange little norm, who can turn his thoughts off. He's probably completely blank now. The way he's staring at me, his eyes slightly glazed, I know I'm right. He's not thinking anything anymore at all. I wish I could be more like that. Tired of thinking? Well, then stop. Hah!

  
  


I sigh, shifting him in my arms yet again. He's not that heavy, but I'm weak from the fall. When I realized the floor was about to give way, I threw myself at the redhead. I don't know why. He's my enemy after all. Regardless, I landed on the bottom, breaking his fall. As a result I'm the one with the injuries, but that's all right. I can't bear to think of him being hurt. And that scares me.

  
  


A little anyway.

  
  


No one has ever mattered to me. I never would have done for Nagi, Crawford or Farfarello what I just did for this kitten. 

  
  


Kitten...

  
  


I keep thinking of him as a kitten. He's cute and cuddly like one, and yet prickly and defensive too. He reminds me of a kitten I had once. I picked it up off the streets. At first it would only hiss at me, claws unsheathed, eyes glittering with anger. But after awhile he started to trust me. It even got to the point he would curl up in my lap and purr while I pet him. 

  
  


I really liked that kitten.

  
  


Then Farfarello got his hands on it, and fried it in the microwave.

  
  


God! The smell. I'll never forget the smell. Or Nagi's horrified screams when he found it. Too bad the kid had to find it. Nagi seems cold, but that's just a front he puts up to protect himself. Kind of like Aya, except deeper. Aya's emotions glimmer along the surface, with Nagi you have to dig real deep to find what he's feeling.

  
  


The truth...

  
  


I don't know if I should tell him the truth. He might never move again. Nagi used too much power. Way too much. But Aya had been attacking him and the boy had done the only thing he could. Except Aya's anger is almost as strong as Nagi's. So it had taken an extra burst to pin the redhead to the wall. 

  
  


I think Nagi might have damaged something. Norms aren't capable of being hit by so much kinetic energy. Gifted's like Nagi and myself can recover from kinetic energy attacks, but norms can't. Aya's brain may never heal.

  
  


The thought upsets me, more than I'd ever admit to anyone. I'm not angry at Nagi, but I am upset this happened to Aya.

  
  


How will this proud creature handle not being able to walk, or even move? How?

  
  


Will he remain numb, as he is now in shock? Will he grow angry and sullen? Will he become suicidal?

  
  


The thought hurts.

  
  


So I try to turn it off.

  
  


We're almost out. I can see daylight filtering through the opening Nagi made for us to walk through. I wonder if Weiss will be outside too. Have they found out that Schwarz escaped unscathed? Maybe not. They don't seem to be truly aware of the strength of Nagi's power.

  
  


It's true he is powerful, but even this will tire him out. Crawford will be pissed I took so long to get out. I try to walk faster, but my bones ache. My legs protest. It's hard enough just to stay upright, let alone hurry.

  
  


Finally I reach the opening. I can see Crawford and Nagi waiting outside. Nagi is bent over, clutching his stomach. He looks pained. Shit...

  
  


I hurry out, the moment my back clears the opening Nagi gasps and falls the ground. I hear a great groan as the building collapses, Nagi's power finally releasing it to fall as it had been doing before Nagi grabbed it.

  
  


The dust blinds me for a moment. I feel debris bump my legs, but I don't care.

  
  


A few more injuries are no big deal.

  
  


When the dust clears I see Crawford kneeling beside Nagi. He's talking softly to the boy. I watch as Nagi nods. Crawford touches the boy's head ever so gently, then stands and fixes his cold gaze on me. Shit shit shit...

  
  


"I told you to hurry." He says. I can tell from the tone of his voice that he's angry.

  
  


I shrug, nearly dropping the kitten in my arms. I glance down at him quickly, but he seems to be in an entirely different world. His mind is still completely empty. He's fallen into a sleep of sorts. "I got held up."

  
  


"Saving Weiss is not one of our priorities."

  
  


"I know that. I wasn't saving Weiss though." I smirk at him, "I was saving my kitten."

  
  


"Your kitten?" He arches his brow and snorts. Then he fixes this penetrating stare on me. I hate that look. He may not be a telepath, but sometimes I swear he can look into my very soul and pick out anything he wants to know about the way I work.

  
  


That's probably why he's the leader.

  
  


He doesn't need power to get inside people.

  
  


"Can you take him?" I would have never asked, except that I feel as if my arms are going to fall off. I don't want to drop the kitten. I don't want him anymore hurt than he already is.

  
  


Crawford hesitates, looking down at Nagi. Nagi notices that he's being looked at and slowly gets to his feet. He braces his feet. He looks pale, and ill. He brushes his bangs out his eyes and looks over at me. Then he looks at Crawford and nods.

  
  


Crawford's jaw visibly hardens. He says something softly to Nagi, something I can't hear. Then he stalks over and takes the kitten from my arms.

  
  


"Thanks." I whisper.

  
  


Then, suddenly, the ground is rushing up to greet me.

  
  
  
  
  
  


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	2. Chapter Two

*The Chosen Sorrow*

  
  
  
  
  
  


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"I know just what it feels like

to have a voice in the back of my head.

It's like a face that I hold inside

A face that awakes when I close my eyes."

  
  


-Papercut by Linkin Park

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-Chapter Two-

  
  
  
  
  
  


/Schuldich.../

  
  


/It means.. guilt.. doesn't it?/

  
  


I lean back in the chair, slinging my arm over my eyes. Crawford is kneeling before me, wrapping my legs with gauze. I guess I cut them up a little when the building fell. God I hurt. Every part of me. But having a guy like Aya land on you, as well as a building, can do that to you. Make you sore. 

  
  


Nagi is seated on a chair behind Crawford. I peek at him. He still looks pale. Wiped out is the term I would use to describe the way he looks really. Totally, and completely fagged. He opens his eyes and looks at me. It's almost as if he knows I'm thinking about him. I wouldn't be surprised if he did know. Like Crawford he has this ability to look into people's heads even though his power isn't telepathy.

  
  


//Why do you ask?//

  
  


/What do you feel guilty about?/

  
  


//Don't answer my question with a question.//

  
  


/Why not? It's what you just did./

  
  


I smirk as I remember the conversation Aya and I had a few moments ago. He woke just long enough to speak to me. I'm not sure ... really, if it was real. It feels like a dream. But it must have been real... it must have...

  
  


But how could it be real? Aya was civil to me. He looked at me, from where he lay on my bed, and calmly and rationally spoke to me. He didn't scream. He didn't rant. He looked at me with eyes that were dead and spoke to me like I was a human being.

  
  


He's never done that before.

  
  


Not when he was sane anyway.

  
  


//My room. My rules.//

  
  


/Hn... fine. No more questions./

  
  


And then he'd closed his eyes and gone to sleep. And I had watched him sleep for a moment before Crawford dragged me here to take care of my wounds. 

  
  


Crawford... shit he was angry. Heh.. just thinking about the situation we put him in amuses me though. Nagi almost dead on the grass, Aya out cold in his arms, and me out cold at his feet. I don't know how he got us all home, but somehow he did. I only got up when he carried me into the house and dropped me rudely onto the couch.

  
  


As I sat on the couch, confused and rubbing my head, he carried Aya and Nagi in. 

  
  


"Ouch! SHIT!" I groan as Crawford, none to gently, wipes the cut under my knee clean.

  
  


"Shut up." He growls.

  
  


So I sigh and lean my head back. He's in a bad mood all right. But I can't really blame him. He must curse the day I joined Schwarz. It must seem to him like I go out of my way to make trouble for him.. but I don't. Not really anyway.

  
  


Not today for sure.

  
  


"Is he all right?"

  
  


I look at Nagi, his eyes are fixed on me. He looks... worried? Why the hell would he be worried about Aya? Our enemy. "I don't know... you threw a lot of energy at him, kiddo, and I'm not sure he'll be able to move.." /Ever again./ I add silently. I don't want to seriously upset the kid. 

  
  


He doesn't like hurting people.

  
  


I can't figure him out.

  
  


How do you become part of a group like Schwarz when you don't like hurting people? "I'm sorry."

  
  


"What?" I couldn't have heard him right. He's apologizing now too?

  
  


"I'm sorry." Nagi repeats, his gaze level, "I know you love him."

  
  


"YOU KNOW I WHAT?!!!"

  
  
  
  
  
  


~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~

  
  
  
  


I can't move. I concentrate hard on making my body respond, but it just won't. With a defeated sigh I close my eyes. This is great. Just great. I've been captured by Schwarz, I can't remember anything about the mission, and I can't move a single muscle in my body. Except for my eyes.

  
  


Not that they matter. A lot of good eyes will do me. Maybe I could stare Schuldich to death if he tries to attack me? How do I get into these situations? Do I have a cursed horse shoe up my ass?

  
  


"YOU KNOW I WHAT?!!!" I jerk, the yell sounds like Schuldich's voice. What on earth? I guess he and his.. partners must be arguing. Not that I care.

  
  


I'm not the least bit curious.

  
  


Really...

  
  


I'm not...

  
  


I'm just straining to hear better so I can find out what they're going to do with me.

  
  


Honest.

  
  
  
  
  
  


~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~

  
  
  
  
  
  


Both Nagi and Crawford are looking at me like I'm insane. Maybe I am. Shit.. Nagi couldn't.. he can't know.. he can't!

  
  


But he does. I can tell by the look in his eyes. And dammit! So does Crawford. With a groan, I squeeze my eyes tightly shut. This can't be happening to me...

  
  


"You love him." Nagi repeats carefully, as if I'm slow in the head.

  
  


I think I am. 

  
  


"Like I'd fall in love with the enemy?" I manage to say with a snort.

  
  


"Love isn't something we make happen. Or that we choose." Crawford murmurs. Shocking the hell out of me.

  
  


Who would have thought Crawford was so.. romantic? He sits back, finished with torturing.. er, bandaging me. "Don't be so upset. Everyone knows."

  
  


"You're full of shit." I growl at him, trying to hide my emotions still.

  
  


"No more than you."

  
  


He shrugs and walks over to sit beside Nagi. Any other time I'd stay to watch. They're cute.. but right now I don't need to see them cuddling. I get up, forcing my stiff lips to curl in a smile. Can't lose face. Can't let them know how lonely I... no. I'm not lonely. I can't be. How can a person be lonely when the thoughts of a thousand people run through their brains every few minutes?

  
  


"Go check on your kitten, Schuldich." Crawford murmurs. Damn him. He can probably tell how uncomfortable I am... either that or he wants to be alone so he and Nagi can do something other than cuddle.

  
  


They'd make me sick if they weren't my only family.

  
  


Hell, family or not they make me sick. Nobody should be that happy.

  
  


I grunt and get to my feet. My head spins a bit, but not so much that I can't walk. I flash a grin at Nagi and Crawford to show them how much their cuddling -doesn't- bother me, then head for my room.

  
  
  
  
  
  


~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~

  
  
  
  
  
  


I can't quite make out what they're saying. After a minute I give up trying and stare at the roof. I'm beginning to really hate not being able to move. The door opens, I know who it is before he speaks.

  
  


"Ah, you're awake."

  
  


Schuldich. I try to move my head so I can look at him, but even though my head is something I still can move, it doesn't obey my orders this time.

  
  


I ignore his comment, and wait for him to come to me. And then regret my decision as he leans so close that our noses bump together. "Ignoring me?" Schuldich purrs, his hands on me. I can feel him touching my stomach, and his other hand touching my arm.

  
  


The bastard. How dare he... but.. it feels almost nice.

  
  


If I could kill myself right now, I most likely would. It should not feel nice when the enemy touches me. It's just not natural.

  
  


But then.. when has anything I do been natural?

  
  


"Quit thinking so loud." Schuldich sighs, his tongue darts out and to my shock and utter horror, he licks my nose.

  
  


The he grins and pulls back, watching my face for my reaction.

  
  


What the hell is wrong with him?

  
  


Is he on drugs???

  
  


He licked my nose!!!

  
  


Oh gawd!!

  
  


He's chuckling now, obviously amused by either my expression, or what he hears of my thoughts. The bastard! If I could move I'd wring his rotten neck.

  
  


//Well, then it's good you can't move, now isn't it?//

  
  


/SHUT UP!/

  
  


//Tsk tsk... you really need to calm down kitten. You're going to give yourself a heart attack at this rate.//

  
  


I try to. Not because he told me to, but because I don't want to lose my carefully collected cool around him. It takes a great deal of effort, but I manage to curb my shock and anger.

  
  


He looks almost disappointed. Like I took a great toy away from him. Hell if I'm going to be his entertainment. The sick.. bastard...

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. Chapter Three

*The Chosen Sorrow*

  
  
  
  
  
  


~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~

"I know just what it feels like

to have a voice in the back of my head.

It's like a face that I hold inside

A face that awakes when I close my eyes."

  
  


-Papercut by Linkin Park

~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~

  
  
  
  
  
  


-Chapter Three-

  
  
  
  
  
  


He's got a foul mind. I find it amusing. This carefully controlled on the outside kitten, has claws in his brain. I'm lucky he doesn't speak very often. Or maybe I'm not, since I hear what he's thinking anyway.

  
  


He doesn't like not being able to move. It makes his mood particularly foul. But he's done fairly well in the last few days. He hasn't insulted me too often. At times he's almost friendly as I get him to play chess, and other games with me. I'm not used to trying so hard not to upset someone. And I imagine he's not used to having his mortal enemy be friendly to him. So, we're both learning.

  
  


Did I mention how cute he is?

  
  


He still hasn't noticed that I'm watching him. His brow is puckered as he stares down at a book. I imagine he's reading. Or maybe he's just pretending to read while he's really focused on his thoughts. There is a way I could find out, but I made a promise to myself never to dip into his mind unless he gives me permission first.

  
  


Yeah.

  
  


Like that would ever happen.

  
  


"Why are you watching me?"

  
  


So. He did notice me. I paste a quick smile onto my lips, "Can you move today?"

  
  


He glances up, "My head. And arms..."

  
  


I knew that. I meant could he move something new. But it's that 'give no more than you need to' attitude of his that I love. It's too bad he was born a norm. He could have made a very nice addition to Schwarz.

  
  


And then I could be free to lo-

  
  


No...

  
  


I don't love him.

  
  


I -can't- love him.

  
  


It's just not possible.

  
  
  
  
  
  


~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~

  
  
  
  
  
  


I hate it when he watches me. Sometimes he'll stare for hours, not speaking, not moving, just staring at me. How can I be comfortable when my enemy is staring so intently at me? Not that I could be comfortable if he didn't. I still can't move my legs, and I'm being held by Schwarz. What's there to be comfortable about?

  
  


Still, things would be better if he stopped staring.

  
  


I hate it when he smiles.

  
  


I hate the way his eyes twinkle.

  
  


I hate how soft his hair looks as it gently caresses his cheek.

  
  


I hate that I find myself attracted to him.

  
  


I put the book down, laying it face down in my lap and stare right back at him. "You didn't answer my question Schwarz."

  
  


He lowers his head, almost looking sheepish. "Just trying to figure you out, Weiss." How can he sound so amused? Sometimes I think he must not be human.

  
  


"Why bother trying? Why not just dip into my thoughts?" I know he can. He's done it before. Not lately... not since I woke up here, in Schwarz headquarters.

  
  


I wonder at that.

  
  


"Ah..." //How could you ever learn to trust me if I'm dipping into your thoughts?//

  
  


I lower my eyes, resisting the urge to snort in disbelief. "Why would I ever trust you? Why would I -need- to trust you?"

  
  


"I have no answer for you." //I just want you to trust me, Weiss. I have no intention of hurting you. I just want you to get better so you can go home.//

  
  


"Why not kill me?"

  
  


//I don't want to.//

  
  


"Why not?"

  
  


//You ask too many questions Weiss.// Schuldich smiled, //I never took you for the inquisitive type.//

  
  


I fall silent. Disliking his smug expression. He's taunting me. Trying to get me to shut up. But why? What is he trying to hide? What is he planning? I pick my book back up and focus on the words, but they don't register. 

  
  


I can't stop thinking about my enemy.

  
  


The man sitting across from me, smiling and staring at me.

  
  


What is he plotting?

  
  
  
  
  
  


~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~

  
  
  
  
  
  


He's so cute when he's being suspicious. I love the fact that he questions me every step of the way. Even though I've made no attempt to harm him in the last few days, he still doesn't trust me in the least.

  
  


I like that.

  
  


I can respect and understand that. He's not gullible, and that just makes me lo-.. like him more.

  
  


He's reading again. Ignoring me. He's good at ignoring people. Especially people he doesn't like. People like me. It would be so easy to dip into his thoughts and see what's going on in that pretty head of his... but I won't.

  
  


I won't break a promise I made to myself.

  
  


But god it's hard not to.

  
  


"How does your head feel?"

  
  


"Fine."

  
  


I'm surprised he even answered. He looks as if he's hardly aware of my presence. "No headaches?"

  
  


"No."

  
  


"Are you lying to me because you don't want your enemy knowing the tru-"

  
  


"Do you ever shut up?"

  
  


I chuckle and shrug, "Sometimes."

  
  


"Then do."

  
  


"Yes, boss." I drawl teasingly.

  
  


He looks up, I don't need to read his thoughts to see the surprise in his gaze. He quickly looks down again, ignoring me.

  
  


I lean back in my chair, smiling. I will crack that shell of his. I'll figure out some way to gain his trust...


	4. Chapter Four

*The Chosen Sorrow*  
  
  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
"I know just what it feels like  
to have a voice in the back of my head.  
It's like a face that I hold inside  
A face that awakes when I close my eyes."  
  
-Papercut by Linkin Park  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
  
  
-Chapter Four-  
  
  
  
"It hurts... it hurts so bad." A broken sob, a tortured sigh. I roll to my side, pressing my hands against my ears, trying to block out the sounds.  
  
"Make it stop hurting... please.."  
  
How can I sleep? With a resigned sigh I open my eyes and stare at the darkness surrounding me. Things are beginning to make sense again. My memories aren't so confused, my thoughts aren't so jumbled. My emotions though.. I can't figure them out.   
  
Schuldich.  
  
Guilt.  
  
Why do I find myself.. attracted to him? I don't understand. These strange feelings are almost frightening. They're making me think and do things I wouldn't normally do. They're making me -feel- what I swore I'd never feel for anyone again. They frighten me... and yet, they excite me.  
  
In the room next to me, he's crying again. Screaming in his sleep. The one called Crawford is probably there, trying to comfort him. But the boy will find no release from the night phantoms. Just as I can find no release from the emotions inside myself. There can be no release.  
  
"Oh god... please..." A pained whimper.  
  
He starts to sob. Harshly. Even through the walls I can hear the heart wrenching sounds. I hardly know him, but he's just a child. And his tears are those of innocence ripped asunder. I understand his pain. I -feel- his pain.  
  
No sympathy.  
  
Not for the enemy anyway. So what am I feeling? Why can't I stop these emotions? What's wrong with me?  
  
  
  
I can feel them. A hundred memories pressing at the back of my brain, begging to be heard. My head hurts from pushing his thoughts away. He doesn't realize that he'd thrusting them at me. He doesn't realize in his distress that he's projecting. But then, how could he? He's just a norm. Not a gifted.  
  
I roll onto my stomach with a sigh. Nagi's screaming upsets him. For whatever reason. I don't really know, I haven't looked in, even if the door is open I'm not stepping through without permission. Gradually the screaming stops, he's crying now. His sobs echoing through the thin walls. Or maybe I just hear them better because of my gift. I can't be sure. Sometimes I can't tell the difference between thoughts, and spoken words. Between my feelings and the strong emotions of someone else.  
  
You'd think, by now, I would have learnt to filter better. And for the most part I can.. but sometimes.. whether because I'm tired or because emotions are so high, I get confused.  
  
I don't know what I'm going to do when he goes home.  
  
I don't know how it happened...  
  
but I've fallen in love with him.  
  
  
  
"One step at a time." Schuldich has his arm firmly wrapped around my waist. I tried to tell him I could do this on my own, but he insisted I needed help. How can I concentrate on walking, when he's holding me so close to his side.  
  
His fingers are warm. They've slipped under my shirt so he could get a better grip on my side. "Hey," Schuldich waves a hand in front of my face.  
  
I flinch away instinctively. "Focus." He says dryly, "You're trying hard enough."  
  
I glower at him, then look down at my feet. I try to ignore him as I focus only on moving. Standing had been hard enough, but I'm determined. I will walk. And then I'm going to walk right out of here.  
  
Biting my lower lip I stare at my leg, willing it to move. It doesn't budge. "Just concentrate on your leg and moving it forward." Schuldich's voice murmurs in my ear.  
  
/Shut up..../  
  
But then, I find myself listening to him.  
  
Move...  
  
Come on... MOVE.  
  
And to my great shock, my leg slides a few centimetres forward. I gasp, clutching onto Schuldich instinctively. I moved!   
  
  
  
I'm both happy, and sick as his leg slides forward. I don't have to hear his thoughts to feel his joy. This is just the first step.. but it's the first step to him walking out of my life. Forever.  
  
I'm such a fool.  
  
I feel him clutch at me, and it just makes this hurt so much more. I continue to hold him, though I have the sudden urge to let go and just let him fall to the floor. Hopefully he'd twist his ankle.. no.. I can't do that. I don't want to see him hurt. Even if it means he'll have to stay here longer.  
  
His body tenses, I look down and watch with disgust as he begins to awkwardly slide his feet forward. One at a time. A slow shuffle. He won't be walking out today, not like this, but it'll be soon.   
  
I'll miss him...  
  
And I hate myself for it.  
  
  
  
He tired himself out. Shuffled his way across the damn room and then collapsed. He didn't protest much when I picked him up and carried him back here. In fact, the moment I laid him down he fell fast asleep.  
  
I reach out and gently push the hair out of his eyes. He's an angel. So beautiful. Although, my impression of him might be a bit colored by my feelings for him. I still have a hard time admitting it, even to myself. I'm in love with him. My enemy. A man who has nothing but hate in his heart for me.  
  
Hell, if I gave him a weapon I'm sure he'd kill me right now. Of course, that's if I woke him up too and I wouldn't do that because he's too adorable when he sleeps. All the tense lines along his lips, and the furrow in his brow fade when he's sleeping. He looks more his age.  
  
He looks vulnerable and it makes me want to protect him. Or fuck him, whichever.  
  
I sigh and lower my head, looking away from the temptation that is him. /How can I feel this way towards my enemy?/ There really is no answer. I guess sometimes you can't control your emotions. Stupid things, like anger, fear, jealousy, those emotions you can learn to control, or at least muffle. But love... Love is something that rises up and strikes you in the ass, whether you want it to or not.  
  
He's beautiful. Especially in sleep. I can't help but to reach out and very gently caress the soft skin of his cheek.  
  
  
  
He's touching me. Stroking my cheek with his fingers. He probably doesn't realize I'm awake, and for some odd reason I don't do anything that'll clue him in to this fact. His touch makes my entire body burn. I've never felt anything so powerful before. How can such a simple touch make me feel so.. good?  
  
I can -feel- him hesitate. His fingers pause, then I can feel his hot breath brushing my cheek. What's he doing? Why is he so close?  
  
He kisses me, and suddenly I understand the what. But behind the buzzing of my ears and the insane thoughts running through my skull I'm left to wonder; why?  
  
  
~~End Chapter Four~ 


	5. Chapter Five

*The Chosen Sorrow*  
  
  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
"I know just what it feels like  
to have a voice in the back of my head.  
It's like a face that I hold inside  
A face that awakes when I close my eyes."  
  
-Papercut by Linkin Park  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
  
Author's Note: This one does a LOT of jumping  
between Aya's thoughts and Schuldich's thoughts.  
I just wanted you to see what each person is  
thinking during this.. pivotal moment in their  
relationship. ^_^  
  
  
  
-Chapter Five-  
  
  
  
His lips are every bit as soft as I imagined they would be. Soft and sweet as anything I've ever tasted. I feel him tense under me. He's awake, and yet.. he's not pushing me away. So I deepen the kiss, sliding my tongue over his still lips. Begging for entry I know he won't grant me, and then.. his lips part. I stare at his face, his eyes aren't open, but he's awake. I know he is.  
  
And he's letting me kiss him.  
  
Letting me deepen the kiss.  
  
Heaven couldn't possibly taste so sweet. I don't dare breath as I slide my tongue between those parted lips. His tongue moves to the side, playing shy. But I slide my tongue along it, hearing his soft gasp. 'Feeling' it, more than hearing it really. After some gentle coaxing, his tongue slowly, and shyly starts to twine with mine. A seductive play conducted inside our mouths, made all the sweeter by his klumsy, shy mannerism. Hasn't he kissed before? I wonder..  
  
  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
  
  
I've never been kissed like this before. His tongue caresses mine. It's the strangest, and yet most exciting thing I've ever felt. I don't want it to end, and at the same time.. I don't want it to continue. This isn't right, but it feels so good.  
  
I lift my arm, twining my fingers in his hair. I have to pull him away. I have to stop him... instead I find myself pulling him closer, pressing my lips harder against his as my tongue begins to return his ardent caresses. I have never kissed anyone like this before in my life. Never so deeply, never with so much feeling.  
  
Please don't stop...  
  
His hair is silky soft and adds to my excitement as I relax more, letting him guide me. His tongue teases, strokes, wraps around mine in an erotic dance. I'm dizzy, barely breathing.  
  
  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
  
  
I pull back, he's holding his breath. "Breathe." I whisper, bending over a little so my lips brush his ear.  
  
He shivers in my arms. While we kissed I moved onto the bed, lying beside him so that I could kiss him easier and better. I feel his chest rise and fall as he takes a shuddering breath. He's so beautiful... I kiss his neck, his cheek, and marvel when once again he makes no move to stop me. He just tilts his neck to give me better access.  
  
What butt did I kiss to deserve this treatment? Heaven. This must be a gift from heaven. His fingers are wound tightly in my hair. It's an almost painful grip, but I don't protest. Just let him hold me however he wants.  
  
"We shouldn't.."  
  
"I can't stop." I counter quickly, kissing him before he can continue.  
  
He pulls back again, turning his head so when I try to kiss his lips, I kiss his cheek instead, "It isn't right."  
  
"Fuck right." I grab his chin, forcing his head to the side so I can kiss him.  
  
He moans into my mouth. I can feel how much he wants to say more, but I don't let him pull away again. Words will fill the gap. I remember someone saying that. Well, whoever -did- say it, was an absolute dick. Words do nothing but ruin a perfectly good moment.  
  
"No.." He's pulled away again, so forcefully I couldn't stop him. I stare into his violet eyes with surprise, "Fuck me."  
  
  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
  
  
I'm scared. I've never done any of this before. I lay on my stomach, the position he's pushed me into, and shiver as he trails kisses down my back. Then suddenly something hot and wet dives between my buttocks. I gasp in shock, arching into the bed, trying to get away from that touch.  
  
//Quiet, bishonen. Just trust me.// His voice murmurs in my mind.  
  
I shiver, trying to relax as his tongue works it's way into my entrance. It's wet, slippery... it's a strange, uncomfortable sensation. But not really painful. I grip the bed sheets tightly, clenching my hands into fists.  
  
I hear him moan, evidently he's enjoying this as much as I am. I worry about.. how safe this is. Is it even sanitary? But the odd, unfamiliar sensations washing through my body distract me from those thoughts. I spread my legs a little to give him better access.  
  
  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
  
  
He's responding so beautifully. If I didn't know better I'd swear he was a virgin. But someone as beautiful as him couldn't possibly be a virgin. I slide between his legs, fingers diving into his tight, warm body. I hear him moan. I watch his face, a little worried by the pained expression on his features. I kiss his cheek, murmuring soothing words.   
  
His arms warp around my waist. He sighs, closing his eyes tightly. I move my fingers inside him, and soon his pained gasps turn to whimpers. Of pain? Of joy? Of discovery? It's so hard to tell. I long to push my way into his mind. To hear his thoughts, but I promised I wouldn't. So I don't.  
  
No matter how much I ache to.  
  
So this is how the other half has sex. I always was able to just peek into the minds of my lovers so I knew exactly what they wanted and when. But this.. this is a guessing game.  
  
I have no way of knowing if I'm doing things right.  
  
If he's enjoying this, or if he's not.  
  
It's the most erotic thing I've ever experienced.  
  
  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
  
  
He turns me over onto my stomach, kissing the back of my neck. My shoulder blades. He's gentle, and kind... perfectly attentive. I grip the bedsheets tightly as I feel something large press against my entrance. I try not to cry out. Try not to be afraid.  
  
He slides in slowly, stroking my sides and back as he does. A pained whimper escapes my lips and I hate myself for it. "Do you want me to stop?" He hesitates, his voice a husky whisper.  
  
How can I stop? I turn my head, burying my face in the pillow, spreading my legs just a tiny bit more. I raise my hips, pressing into his intrusion. He gasps, kissing my ear. He doesn't speak again, and I'm glad for it.  
  
  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
  
  
//Aya...//  
  
He's so tight, and warm. I kiss the back of his neck as I begin to move inside him. I try to take things slow, so he has some time to relax and start to enjoy things. But he doesn't relax. I stroke his sides, knead my fingers into his lower back in an attempt to help him relax, but he still remains tense. I wish I could see his face at least.  
  
But he keeps his face buried in the pillow. "Aya...?"  
  
I press my cheek to his, pulling in and out of his body in long, slow strokes. I can't stop. Not even if I am worried about him.  
  
"Relax.. you have to relax.." I whisper in his ear.  
  
His shoulders shake. His hands clench the bedsheets until his knuckles turn white. I lay my hands over his, frowning a little. I pause in my movements, concern outweighing my sexual need.  
  
"Aya?"  
  
He groans.  
  
  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
  
  
"Don't.. stop.."  
  
He stays still for a moment longer, then begins to move again. His lips caress my ear, brush my neck, travel over my shoulders. He seems unable to just fuck. He's touching me everywhere he can, his hands gripping mine tightly.  
  
I turn my head to the side, keeping my eyes tightly closed. Immediately his lips kiss the corner of mine. They slide up, caressing my cheek and brushing over my eyelids.  
  
I want to scream.  
  
I want to cry.  
  
I don't ever want him to stop. It hurts.  
  
So much.  
  
  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
  
  
I collapse on him, releasing my seed deep in his body. I bury my head in his neck, biting my lower lip hard to stop myself from crying out. I can't afford to have the others hear. I calm down enough to pull myself out of him and roll to the side.  
  
He's perfectly still, and very tense. Even now.  
  
I lay panting for a moment, then reach out and stroke his back. His head is turned away from me so I can't see his face. Can't tell whether or not he's gotten any enjoyment from this. I roll onto my side and curl around him, sliding my hand under his body until I find his sex.  
  
It's hard, pulsing.  
  
I grin, kissing the back of his head, then his shoulder. I wrap my arms around him, rolling him to his side so his back is pressed against my chest. I grip his sex in both of my hands.  
  
  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
  
No... No.. it's not supposed to feel good.  
  
I tense as his hands began to stroke me. I bite my lower lip, whimpering in fear. This isn't supposed to feel good. He isn't supposed to be so kind and attentive.  
  
"Stop!"  
  
But it's too late. I feel the pleasure build and burst.   
  
  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
  
  
He won't stop crying. I hold him tightly. He tries to push me away, curling up into the fetal position, burying his head between his knees and sobbing. I curl around him, stroking his sides.   
  
God it hurts to see him so upset.   
  
"Did... did I hurt you?" I whisper, kissing his shoulder.  
  
He makes an odd keening sound and his sobs grow even harder, more pained. My heart aches. I feel tears rising in my own eyes. I wrap my arms around him and hold him tightly, burying my face in his neck.  
  
//I'm sorry...//  
  
//I'm so sorry....// 


	6. Chapter Six

*The Chosen Sorrow*  
  
  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
"I know just what it feels like  
to have a voice in the back of my head.  
It's like a face that I hold inside  
A face that awakes when I close my eyes."  
  
-Papercut by Linkin Park  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
  
  
  
-Chapter Six-  
  
  
  
I stroke his hair. In sleep he's finally relaxed, hands uncurled from the tight fists they'd been clenched in a few hours ago. Face smooth, brow furrowed. Bad dreams? He doesn't move away from my hand stroking his forehead, I doubt he even feels it in sleep. But the fact that he doesn't wake from my touch makes my heart twist painfully. He trusts me.  
  
If anyone else tried to touch him right now, he'd wake.  
  
But he trust me enough that my touch doesn't disturb him.  
  
I gently brush his forehead with my fingers, feeling a strange tightness in my chest that I recognize as emotion. I love him so much. I'm finding it hard to breathe.  
  
With a sigh I lay down, on my side. I pull him tightly against my body, moving so our legs twine together. His head rests just under my chin. He moves, cuddling against me in his sleep. Arms wrapping around my chest, under my arms. I hug him, feeling the tightness in my chest getting worse.  
  
Did I hurt him? He seemed willing enough, hell he begged me not to stop. So why did he cry like that? Why did he seem so hurt? Upset? The need to dip into his thoughts is so strong. So strong I'm afraid I won't be able to hold back.  
  
"Schuldich?"  
  
Nagi. Shit. I pull away from Aya, he stirs, so I stroke his hair as I slide out of the bed. He curls up a little tighter around himself, then seems to go back to sleep. I walk to the door, grabbing a shirt and pulling it on as I do. I don't bother buttoning it up.  
  
"Schu?"  
  
He's knocking on my door across the hall. I open the door and slip into the hall, closing the door softly behind me. Nagi turns, not looking too surprised to see me coming out of Aya's room half undressed. "What's up chibi?"  
  
"Weiss is here."  
  
Oh god.  
  
"Ah.. I see." I run a hand through my hair.  
  
"They're not in the building yet, but Crawford wanted you to know." He gives me that look. The look that asks; Why didn't you sense them? Why didn't -you- warn us?  
  
I was too preoccupied not hearing Aya to be aware of anything else. Too lost in my own thoughts to bother with the other whispers of thoughts coming into my mind. Now I did focus, and I could hear his buddies.  
  
They were intent on getting him back, and mad as all hell at us. They hadn't known we had Aya. Not until just recently. I quickly push their thoughts out of my head, focusing on Nagi. "I didn't hear them."  
  
"I noticed." Nagi said dryly, "Is he up?"  
  
I glance at the door, "No."  
  
"Well, wake him. Crawford says we're handing him over."  
  
No.  
  
I nod, turning and walking back into the room. I lean against the door, clenching my hand into a fist. I want to cry. To scream. To grab Aya and run. But I won't do these things. I know they're pointless. Instead I stumble back to the bed. Crawl into it and pull him into my arms for one last hug.  
  
I'll never be able to touch him like this again. Never be able to stroke his hair while he sleeps. Kiss his cheek as he wakes.  
  
Hold him when he cries. Laugh at him when he's being an idiot. Tease him into a smile, no matter how reluctant it is.  
  
He'll leave, and I know he'll never come back.  
  
  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
  
  
"Aya?"  
  
I tighten my hold on the sheets, turning my head into the pillow. I don't want to wake up. Sleep is such a peaceful place. A place where I can forget how ugly reality is. Where I can pretend Aya is alive, and I'm just Ran again. A struggling college student who's shy, but happy.   
  
"Aya." The voice persists, a hand grabbing my shoulder and shaking me.  
  
I groan, opening my eyes as little as possible. "Just a little longer." I mumble, forgetting that Aya isn't alive, and it's not Aya who's trying to wake me.  
  
Memories come back swiftly as I notice the green eyes peering at me. Schuldich.  
  
Last night.   
  
I groan, covering my face with my hands in a vain attempt to hide. He grabs my wrists, tugging them away. "Time to get up." He says with a crooked smile.   
  
I try not to concentrate on that strange look in his eyes, or the tender way his hand is stroking my shoulder. I try to block it all out and pretend it doesn't exist. It's not really happening, and certainly not to me.  
  
"Don't touch me."   
  
He flinches, pulling his hand back and for a moment he almost looks hurt. Then the moment passes and his expression is unreadable again. He smiles, only one side of his mouth tilting. "Your friends are here."  
  
I sit up, glancing down as I do and realizing I'm naked. I grab the sheets and pull them over my lower body, glowering at him. He's smirking now, looking very amused. "Get out." I hiss.  
  
He nods, standing and moving away from the bed. "They're here to take you home." He says.  
  
What else would they be here for? He doesn't think I know what they want? I just watch him, waiting for him to continue.  
  
But he doesn't say anything else. He looks down at me, a question in his gaze. A question I can't answer. Not because I don't know what it is, but because I just don't know the answer. He stares at me, I can't meet his gaze. I keep my mouth firmly shut.  
  
Finally he turns and walks out of the room, the door shuts with a bang behind him. I shiver, closing my eyes and hugging myself tightly. Why do I feel like crying again?  
  
I bring my knees up to my chest and press my forehead to them. I hate him for what he's making me feel. Hate him so much...  
  
With an angry growl I throw the sheets aside and move off the bed. I have to get away from here before I lose what little control I have left and start crying like a baby again. Like I did last night.  
  
He held me. The entire time. He didn't criticize, or laugh.. he just held me.  
  
God! I have to forget. I can't think about it. He was just being nice because I let him fuck me. Every guy spouts words of love and act nice after sex. Don't they? With women.. I think they do. I've never been with a guy before...  
  
I don't know how it works.  
  
I grab my clothes, or rather the clothes Schuldich gave to me, from the dresser and pull them on. They feel too tight. I want to rip them off and burn them. They're from -him-. But I can't go out to meet the others in nothing, so I have no choice but to wear what Schuldich gave me.   
  
I'm happy. They're here, and now I can leave.  
  
I kneel and tug on socks and shoes. It's not easy. I still don't have complete control over my body. There are times where I can't move at all. Mostly if I've had a long day and have been walking too much. Other times I have difficulty speaking. Schuldich said it would go away with time, but it hasn't gone away yet.  
  
Schuldich...  
  
Why do I trust anything he says?  
  
No matter what, he's the enemy. He has no reason to tell me the truth.  
  
But he also had no reason to be by my side the entire time I was healing. He had no reason for being kind, bringing me breakfast in bed, or lunch when I was too tired to walk. No reason to help me relearn how to walk, or stay by my side as I attempted to walk down the stairs.  
  
So why did he do it?  
  
Why? 


	7. Chapter Seven

*The Chosen Sorrow*  
  
  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
"I know just what it feels like  
to have a voice in the back of my head.  
It's like a face that I hold inside  
A face that awakes when I close my eyes."  
  
-Papercut by Linkin Park  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
  
  
  
-Chapter Seven-  
  
  
  
So here we are. Where we started. The situation is the same, but the people have changed. At least, I have. He's as beautiful as I remember him being that last night. A cold, expressionless look on his face. He doesn't look at me, and when he does his gaze is unfocued. Distant, like he's looking through me, not -at- me.   
  
Weiss and Schwarz.  
  
White and Black.  
  
The two don't mix. And if you try you get a sick grey that no one likes to look at. I dream about him. Every night since he left. In my dreams we make love, but part way through he starts crying. In my impassioned state I keep taking him, even though he's crying and begging me to stop.  
  
The dream disturbs me.   
  
I don't want to make him cry. Not again. I'm afraid that I'm going to end up hurting him though. No matter how I try to stop myself. If I persue him, he'll turn into that ugly grey I hate so much, and so will I. And he'll end up hating me for it.  
  
So this is it.  
  
Goodbye.  
  
Around us the others are fighting. Ken and Farf. Nagi and the kid, Omi. Crawford and Yohji. And here we are, staring at each other like idiots. I smirk, lowering my head and placing my hands in my pockets, "Well. What are you waiting for? Afraid I'll win?"  
  
He stiffens, the katana gripped tightly in his hand raises. He points is straight at me. "I will kill you Schwarz."  
  
"I know. Go ahead. I won't stop you." This is the only way. I'd rather die than have to live knowing I can never be with him.  
  
I'd rather die than see -him- die.  
  
I raise my gaze, smirking at his dumbfounded expression. He expects me to fight him, like we did before. But I won't. I can't. Not anymore. Things have changed. I have changed. "Kill me."  
  
He steps closer until his katana presses against my chest. Right over my heart. With one swift move I will be dead. "Why aren't you fighting?" His voice is full of his confusion, his eyes too. I'm sure if he realized how much emotion he was showing he'd try to hide it.  
  
"I can't sleep." I remain perfectly still, staring straight at him even as his eyes dart away, "I see you."  
  
"Shut up." He whispers.  
  
I ignore him, shaking my head and laughing softly, "I close my eyes, I see you. I close my ears, I hear your voice. I lay down, I feel you under me. I can't live like that. So.. kill me."  
  
He's shivering.  
  
"Aya!"  
  
It happens so fast. Pain. His eyes are huge, staring at me with horror. He lets go of the katana, but it's blade is now firmly lodged in my chest. Behind him the fighting stops. Crawford, the one who bumped into him, goes completely still. He stands right behind Aya, horrified by what he sees.  
  
I reach up, gripping the edges of the blade that are stuck in my body.  
  
I smile.  
  
"Thank you." I whisper.  
  
Then the earth is rushing up towards me, and I can't figure out why the voices in the back of my head are screaming.  
  
  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
  
  
I stare at him, hardly able to believe what I'm hearing. "I close my eyes, I see you. I close my ears, I hear your voice. I lay down, I feel you under me. I can't live like that. So.. kill me."   
  
I love you.  
  
I want to say it so bad. But I can't! I just can't. It's not possible. I press the katana a little tighter against his chest. I will kill him. That's my job. That's what I've been told to do. I'll do it.  
  
I will.  
  
"Aya!"  
  
Something hard bumps into me, pushing me forward. I watch with horror as this pushes the blade of my katana into Schuldich's chest. Right into his heart. Oh god..  
  
nonono...  
  
I drop the handle, staring as blood begins to fall from the wound. Schuldich reaches up, gripping the blade of the katana. He smiles.  
  
He looks so calm. So peaceful.  
  
How can he look so... so wonderfully happy? He's dying! Doesn't he realize...?  
  
"Thank you." His voice is a mere whisper of air. Then he's falling.  
  
"NO!" The scream startles me into action. I rush forward, dropping beside him. He's fallen on his side, so I push him onto his back and pull the katana out. Careful not to twist it and worsen the wound. I toss the katana aside, ripping off my shirt desperately and ripping it to make a small square. I press the square against the wound in his chest.  
  
"No... Schuldich..."   
  
Something wet touches my cheek. Am I crying? I wipe the wetness away. He's perfectly still beneath me. Not responding to my touch, or my voice. "Schuldich.. don't leave me..." I drop my head onto his chest, not bothering to lie to myself anymore.  
  
He's going to leave me.  
  
Like Aya. Like mama... papa...  
  
"I didn't want to...." I whimper against his chest, clutching the front of his shirt with both hands, "I didn't want to kill you... please... please don't die... don't leave me."  
  
But it's too late.  
  
And this time I have no one to blame but myself. 


	8. Epilogue

*The Chosen Sorrow*  
  
  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
"I know just what it feels like  
to have a voice in the back of my head.  
It's like a face that I hold inside  
A face that awakes when I close my eyes."  
  
-Papercut by Linkin Park  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
  
  
  
-Epilogue-  
  
  
  
"You want me.. to go with you?" I've long since lost the ability to be surprised. I've lost the ability to feel anything really. All I feel is.. hollow. Just an empty shell where I used to feel emotion.  
  
When Schuldich died.. I lost the ability to feel.  
  
Crawford nods, smirking ever so slightly at me. I'm not afraid of him. I suppose I should be. I woke up to find him standing beside my bed, calling my name. For a moment it seemed like something right out of a nightmare, then he demanded that I get up and follow him.  
  
"All right." I shrug, sitting up and getting out of the bed. He looks mildly surprised to see I'm fully dressed.  
  
I always sleep with clothes on, just in case something like this happens. Yeah. I do worry about my mortal enemies walking in and waking me up for tea in the middle of the blasted night.  
  
"Come."  
  
  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
  
  
He takes me to a park nearby, asks me to sit on one of the benches, then walks away. Leaving me in the dark on a cold bench. Irritated. Alone. What the hell is all of this about? Where did that bastard go?  
  
Then I feel it. A soft hand on my shoulder. I look up.  
  
Am I dreaming?  
  
"Schul...dich?" Oh god.. it can't be him. I must be seeing things. I have to be dreaming.  
  
He smiles. Then moves around the bench and sits beside me. His movements are stiff, he seems to be favoring his right side. "Hey, kid." He says softly as he sits.  
  
It's his voice. His face. But how can this be? He died.  
  
"Hey, hey, don't zone out on me." His hand cups my cheek, he leans forward, placing a soft kiss on my lips. Why is he so gentle? If this really is him.. why isn't he angry with me?  
  
"I... Schu.."  
  
"It's me." He strokes his thumb over my lower lip. He looks tired. Pale, and thinner.  
  
"But... how?"  
  
"Nagi."  
  
"What?" I find myself leaning towards him, though I don't know why.  
  
"He used his power to push the blade over. You didn't stab me in the heart. You missed by about one inch, thanks to Nagi's quick thinking." He moves and winces, hand rising to press over his heart.  
  
I reach out, watching as my shaking hands presses over his. He looks down, smiling. "Hey, it's all right. Just... aches sometimes when I move wrong." His hand moves from my face and presses over my hand, so my hand is cradled between his, over his heart.  
  
"So, you're.... alive." His hands are warm. I can feel the heat from his body. He is real. Suddenly, the hollow feeling inside me bursts and in it's place is overwhelming joy, love, and pain. I lean forward, sliding my free arm around his neck and hugging him. I bury my face in his neck, to hide my tears. "God Schuldich... I.. I thought..."  
  
"I know." He frees his hands and hugs me, tightly. Like he'll never let go and I'm fine with that. I don't want him to ever let go.  
  
"To the world.. I'm dead." He murmurs after a while, his cheek is pressed to the top of my head.  
  
I shiver, "I.. I know."  
  
"Aya... you could be dead to the world too."  
  
I stiffen a little, "What do you mean?"  
  
"Black and white... as long as you're Weiss, and I'm Schwarz.. we can't be together. But, if to Schwarz I'm dead, and if to Weiss, you are... we can be together. Crawford has everything arranged. At your word, he'll fake your death, then you and I will board a plane to Germany. I have an estate there where we could safely life out the rest of our years."  
  
"Together..."  
  
"Yeah. Together."  
  
I pull back so I can look at his face, "Why... would you want to do that? For me?"  
  
"You silly bishonen," He says, smiling and running his fingers into my hair, "I love you."  
  
No. He didn't just say it. I duck my head, raising my hands to cover my face. He couldn't have. I must be hallucinating. This must be a dream.  
  
"Hey.. hey, hey.." He hugs me tightly, "Why are you crying?"  
  
"I want this to be real... so bad.." I whimper into his chest.  
  
"It is."  
  
"No... no, it can't be. You don't love me... you're dead.."  
  
He laughs lightly, "But I'm not, and I do."  
  
"No..."  
  
"Yes..." He rubs my back, "Listen, why don't you say yes? If this really is a dream, then you can go with me to Germany and it won't matter. Because you'll wake up the next morning still in your apartment.. right?"  
  
He's right. I nod against his chest, "Okay. I'll go." Because this can't possibly be real.  
  
  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
  
  
I wake to a sore neck. I'm lying down and my head is cradled in something that's both hard and soft. A hand is stroking my forehead and hair in a steady motion. I open my eyes. In my dream last night, I fell asleep on Schuldich. My head in his lap, my body in my seat. We were on a plane, headed to Germany.   
  
I feel like I'm still in that position. But I can't be. You don't fall asleep in a dream, and wake up in that same dream.  
  
"How do you feel?" His voice is like music to my ears.  
  
This really isn't a dream. He really is alive, and... he loves me. His hand moves to my neck, stroking there ever so gently. I sit up, reluctantly pulling away from his touch. My back aches from the odd position. I don't care.  
  
None of that matters.  
  
I stare at him, feeling tears rising in my eyes again. I've never felt like crying so much in my life. "I love you." I whisper, leaning over to kiss him.  
  
I twine my hands in his hair, to hold him firmly in place as I claim his lips. Kissing him with all my joy, my love and my passion. His hands rest on my waist, he meets me, returning every emotion I have to share with him.  
  
Is this heaven?   
  
It must be.  
  
  
  
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~  
  
  
  
Happily ever after doesn't happen to people like us. Schuldich. Guilt. I will never be good enough for him. My heart never clean enough, my soul never innocent enough, but it doesn't matter.  
  
He loves me.  
  
That's all that matters.  
  
He clings to me, head buried in my neck again. I can feel his warm breath on my skin. I stroke his hair, lay my other hand on his lower back. We're almost there.  
  
I glance out the window, see the clouds rushing by.  
  
Soon.  
  
We'll be home soon.  
  
"Schuldich?" He whispers.  
  
"Sh. Go to sleep. When you wake up..." I stroke my fingers into his hair, "When you wake up, we'll be home." 


End file.
